5 Reasons You should Never Potty Train Your Child

Potty Training is one of the first big lessons of toddlerhood you have to teach your kid. There is a lot of information out there about how to do it and how to do it as quickly as possible.  I have read many articles/blog posts about how you can potty train your kid in 5 minutes if you follow these 3 magical steps. Some people apparently even potty train their infants, like 3 month olds doing their business right on the toilet. I am not really sure what sort of sorcery this is, but "they" say it can be done.

A few months ago I started feeling antsy about getting Noah potty trained. He was a couple of months away from turning three and I felt it HAD to be done before he was three! Oh poor, sweet, naive 6 months ago Jessica. If only I could go back and shake her and tell her to Keep Calm and Don't Potty Train!

I was so excited about the idea of Noah being done with diapers forever. It seemed so simple and I was sure it would make my life so much easier.  What could possibly be the downside of getting this big milestone out of the way as soon as possible?

I'll tell ya what's wrong with it. Everything! Why in the world everyone is playing along with this sick joke that potty trained toddlers are somehow easier than diapered ones is beyond me. Maybe it's some kind of new mom hazing everyone is supposed to go through, but I am here to warn you not to fall for it.

I know what you're thinking. Yeah right. Diapers are disgusting and expensive. The sooner they are out of my life, the better. Well my friends, I'll tell you why you should cling to those beautiful poo catchers for as long as you possibly can. 

1. Booty Wiping

The thought of having one less hiney to wipe was at the top of my list of reasons I was pumped about getting Noah out of diapers. Little did I know I would be wiping that cute little rumpus even more now that he's potty trained thanks to freakishly short toddler arms and "mini poops". 

Mini poops is what happens when a little person is learning to poop on the potty but they get so excited at the prospect of candy when they poop that they manage to make it happen 157 tiny times a day. Every one of which calls for mommy to come make sure that little candy-loving booty is clean.

2. Underwear Everywhere

Noah manages to leave the bathroom naked from the waist down every. single. time. I have to remind him to put his underwear and pants back on after every bathroom visit. 

If I am not around to remind him, I walk in to find tiny little batman underwear wadded up in my bathroom floor and a half-naked Noah running around my house, most likely with poop waiting to be wiped off of him. 

This situation is always the same whether we are home alone, entertaining visitors, or out at other people's houses. Modesty is not a skill that develops simultaneously with potty training. 

3. Public Bathroom Parties

There is a new super fun grocery shopping activity that you get to play when your kid is potty trained. It's called "wait until mommy is almost done shopping with a cart full of groceries and start crying as frantically as possible that you HAVE TO GO POTTY RIGHT NOW"! It never fails. 

No matter how many times I try to make sure he doesn't need to go before we leave the house and even when we first get to the store he always has to go when I am in line to check out with a grumpy baby brother crying and trying his darndest to climb out of the cart. 

We check out as quickly as possible, wheel ourselves to the nearest restroom and that is where the real party begins. Trying to help a toddler climb onto a nasty public restroom toilet and wipe him while holding a flailing angry ten month old should be an Olympic event. But it's not. You don't get a medal. You just maybe get toddler poop on your hand.

4. Curiosity Embarrassed the Mommy

Since I have to help Noah wipe after he goes number two, he knows he needs to tell me whether or not he went pee or poop. He very proud announces his accomplishments to me after leaving the bathroom: "No poop, just pee!" 

Unfortunately, he feels that everyone else should be equally proud to tell him about their business. Anytime anyone goes to the restroom, Noah must know if they went "pee or poop". Friends, family, strangers in the grocery store bathroom mentioned above are subjected to questions about their bathroom activity. 

And sure, when a little old lady comes out of a bathroom stall and Noah says, "Did you poop or just pee?" she might laugh. She might even say that she just peed. But when he adds, "With your penis?" there's nothing but an awkward silence as we enter the stall.

5. New Tactics to Avoid Sleep

By far my very least favorite potty training consequence has been the change in our perfect little sleeper's schedule. Noah has always been a great sleeper. I realized after Bowen, a.k.a. the sleepless wonder, was born what a gift this was. Ever since he was 4 months old,Noah would go to bed around 8:00 pm and sleep until 8:30 or 9:00 am and then take a 3 hour nap during the day... AMAZING!!! 

This beautiful gift of sleep came to a sad end when Noah was potty trained. Now he wakes up to pee usually once during the night and gets up for the day around 6:00 am. Naps have also been cut down to about 1 hour a day. Getting up in the night and in the morning wouldn't be that big of a deal except that he can't just quietly go to the bathroom and then get back in bed. It's a whole big loud event every time. 

He busts out of his room (right next to his brother's room) and comes to announce to us that he has to go potty. When he's finishes he comes back to announce that he has indeed pee'd or pooped. Then he needs to be told to put his clothes back on. 

He seems to be under the impression that when he wakes up, no matter what time it is, that it is time to be up for the day. We have to spend at least 10 minutes explaining to him that 2:30 in the morning is not time for breakfast after a lot of tears and sleepy conversation he finally goes back to bed, closing his door behind him just loud enough to wake up the sleepless wonder... good times! 

I realize that children have to learn to use the toilet eventually. I know it was something we were going to have to conquer sooner or later. But had I known what I know now you better believe it would not have been as eager. 

Don't be surprised if you see a four year old Bowen still rocking some Pamper's Cruisers. Judge me all you want. I will not make the same mistake again. I only hope it's not too late for some of you out there who may be reading this. Don't fall into the same trap I did. 

I haven't slept in two days. But yes, please comment on my bathroom habits.

As far as I can tell, parenting small children is like trying to stay afloat in the middle of the ocean. Only instead of water, you're swimming in diapers, piles of laundry, goldfish crumbs, and Daniel Tiger episodes. And instead of swimming, you're drowning while holding a toddler. And instead of helping you, someone hands you a screaming infant.

Don't get me wrong, these are precious precious times (and all that junk older ladies are constantly telling me) -- but if Daniel Tiger sings at me to use my words one more time, I'm going to ugga that furry little jerk right in his mugga.

My youngest son was born 6 months ago. I have successfully kept 2 small humans alive for 6 whole months. Outside of the fact that I have kept them alive, I am not really sure what else has happened.

It has been a blur of sleepless nights, toddler tantrums, baby barf, and...did I mention sleepless nights? It has also been a lot of sweet moments, parenting teamwork, and a bunch of laughter, but I'm not going to talk about the sweet parts today. I'm going to talk about the mess.

The first part of my day today looked like this:

3-4 a.m. B is up and ready to play

4 a.m. B goes back to sleep

6 a.m. B wakes up to eat

7 a.m. N wakes up

8 a.m. Breakfast for N

9-11 a.m. Play with N (super heroes, blocks, dinosaurs, Legos) and referee meltdowns due to B "eating" N's toys.

11-12 Desperately try to get B to nap -- unsuccessfully

12 p.m. Finally get B to sleep.

12:05 p.m. Mid ninja-sneaking out of the room, N busts in announcing that he has pooped in the potty in his loudest sing-song voice -- waking up B.

12:06 p.m. Leave B to fuss in bed to check on the poop situation, only to discover no poop in the potty but a trail of poop everywhere N has been.

12:06-12:46 p.m. Run around the house cleaning poop while N follows close behind asking for lunch, juice, a show, a costume, a piece of candy, a sticker, bubbles, minion socks, a different outfit, a vitamin...

Meanwhile, B has worked himself into an all out hysterical screaming mess as if someone is actually murdering him.

12:50 p.m. Finally finish cleaning poop and get N settled with lunch

1 p.m. Put B back to sleep

That was all before 1 in the afternoon. This wasn't even a particularly bad day. Just a normal day with 2 kids. I had no idea before B was born that the addition of one tiny baby could completely turn my life upside down. I mean, I already had a kid. How much harder could one more be?

When N was born, I went through the obvious adjustment to life with a kid. It took about 3 months to get into a normal rhythm, but for the most part it was a pretty easy adjustment. I didn't really know it at the time, but he was the easiest, most laid-back baby that has ever been.

Who is this bright-eyed well rested person
who actually gets to"sleep when the baby sleeps"?

I also didn't realize at the time how much credit I gave myself for how easy N was. I thought I was rocking it. I never said it out loud but I sometimes wondered why others complained so much about how hard things were. I thought: Um... babies are not that hard if you're doing it right. 

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...bless my poor, sweet, delusional soul.

If your blood started to boil a little bit at the thought of my past arrogance, don't you worry. 6 months ago, God sent me a big fat dose of humility -- a 9 lb 6 oz bundle of joy with the most social, spirited, clingy, feisty personality you have ever seen in such a small person.

He sure is a cute little trouble maker!

A little bit about baby B:

He loves people. If people are around and talking to him his little heart is content.

He is so curious about the world and what everyone is doing at all times. He does not want to miss a single thing ever.

He does not like to sleep and will fight with everything he has to make sure he is awake and experiencing the world as long as possible.

He is assertive. He knows what he wants and he will not stop until he gets it.

I fully believe he is going to be a very driven and passionate person. He is going to do amazing things with his life. However, for now he is busy making my hair grey -- one mess at a time.  

Needless to say, I have looked a little (a lot) like a hot mess in the last 6 months. It's not unusual to go at least 3 days without showering. I have a little bit of sleepy desperation in my eyes at all times, and I have done a fair share of complaining to anyone who asks about how B is sleeping at night. All of this has led to a good deal of unwanted advice and opinions on how I should do this or that to fix my parenting woes.

I think a lot of times when we see people struggling, we want to jump in and try to help. And a lot of times, our "help" comes in the form of well-meaning advice. I do it all the time. I hear someone talking about their struggles with a grumpy baby and I try to tell them all the things that I did that helped with my grumpy baby.

The other day, I was at the grocery store with both boys. I realized mid-shopping that I REALLY had to pee. We trekked to the back of the store to find the bathroom.

As I was in the middle of trying to get the boys and all of their paraphernalia into the bathroom, one of the store's employees came over to me and asked if I was going in the bathroom.

A little taken aback by the odd question, I just nodded my frazzled head. She then says "How are you going to go with that baby? You know it's unsanitary to put him on the floor in there."

Uh! Thanks lady! I was planning to just lay my infant on the bathroom floor while I peed but since you informed me that it is in fact unsanitary to do so, I guess I won't. How about instead of imparting your wisdom upon me, you go get me a cookie. K! Thanks!

There is a time and a place for tips and advice -- when it is directly asked for. If it wasn't asked for, it can do a lot more harm than good. There have been so many times that I have felt pressured to do things that deep down went against my instincts, because it was what I thought people expected me to be doing.

We live in a very connected time with social media at everyone's fingertips. There is so much information out there and you can find support and criticism for every single decision that you make. It is overwhelming, especially in the trenches of parenting when your head is already spinning from exhaustion.

There are only a handful of people that really know me and my children well enough to speak to our specific situation. They are my tribe. Those are the people that I go to when I do want someone else's ideas to tackle a difficult situation. Other than that (and much more often), I really just crave a listening ear and all kinds of love and grace.

My goal for this year is to be slow to throw my advice on people if they have not asked for it and quick to listen and give support in the form of grace and understanding instead.

Well, actually, I will offer one piece of advice first:

If you are reading this as a new mommy who just entered these trenches, I would say that just because someone tells you something doesn't mean you have to do it. Try not to get overwhelmed by the endless supply of opinions. Don't put pressure on yourself to do things a certain way because that's how someone else does it. Find your tribe and lean on them. Trust your instincts; they are good. Give yourself room to make mistakes and learn from them. Did I mention grace? And most importantly, drink All. The. Coffee. Cheers!