Last week the Christian Community Development Association had its annual national conference in Memphis. Since I have a 2 year old and a 3 month old, I was only able to make it to 2 of the night time sessions, but it was a blessing none the less.
Being there among so many who are passionate about social justice issues and urban ministry was a much needed reminder of the things that set my heart on fire. It also made me nostalgic for my time in Chicago with Mission Year.
That year was one of the most difficult and life-changing times of my life. During mission year and for a long time after, I did not have much interest in talking about what I experienced because it was a lot to unpack and took a long time to process.
Mission Year is a year-long immersion program for 18-30 year olds. It is a time to learn how to live out justice by knowing and loving neighbors and advocating for change in our countries most un-loved neighborhoods.
A young and very naive 19 year old Jessica had no idea what she was getting herself into.
I would not have admitted it at the time, but I had a "savior mentality" going into Mission Year. I was confident that I would make a big impact on the problems of the inner city during my time in Chicago. HA!!!
Not only is that a very arrogant and just all around wrong world view, but also that type of mindset set me up for a lot of growing pains right out of the gate.
The neighborhood of Englewood, the city of chicago, and the world that we live in already has a savior and it is not me. I am ashamed to think that I ever believed that I could "help" or "save" anyone in that beautiful community.
Instead, I got to witness the work that God had been doing through some really amazing people in Chicago. I learned a lot about myself and more importantly, God used that time to humble me.
I had the pleasure of living on the south side of Chicago in the Englewood Neighborhood. If you Google Englewood, you will not read anything good. But what I experienced was a community of good, strong people who care about each other and take pride in where they live. People who, despite living in a food desert and in a thick fog of poverty in every sense of the word, were some of the happiest and generous people I have ever known. Their voices were and are struggling to be heard and to receive the equal level of support and care as Chicago's wealthier neighborhoods.
I lived in a 3 bedroom apartment with 5 of the most beautiful souls I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. We were 6 women who could not have been more diverse. We had 6 very different personalities with different backgrounds, races, and opinions. It was a messy time, especially at first, as we learned to navigate our differences, but to this day I cherish those ladies more than they will ever know. They helped mold me and I will be eternally grateful for the impact they had on my life and world view.
I spent that year learning about people's stories. I saw the kind of struggles and heartache that my privileged young mind never even knew existed. I got the wind knocked out of me on a daily basis. It did not take long to realize that I was there to learn and not to save.
I left Chicago with a lot of humility but also a lot of cynicism. I felt so overwhelmed by the pain and cycles of oppression in this world and I didn't really understand what my role in all of it is. Honestly, I still don't.
6 years, a husband, and 2 kids later I find myself trying to balance the call and demands of my daily life (I had to come back to writing this post 4 times because... kids) with the passions and burdens that God engraved on my heart in Chicago.
I went into Mission Year thinking I was going to solve the worlds problems and I came out of it feeling very discouraged and powerless. I've learned over time that powerless is the best place to be. God has all of the power anyway and all throughout time his best work has been done through the powerless.
So now I'm just trying to figure out where He wants me to be. There is a never-ending supply of places to volunteer and service projects to be a part of. That work is important and serves as a constant reminder that God has not forgotten the broken places and people around us. I just have to surrender to my own powerlessness and let Him work.
Monday, November 16, 2015
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Heartache and Heartbeats
This update has been a long time coming. I have thought about writing it for a few months now, and it has seemed like an overwhelming task. I have this great fear that the words that I write won't be able to do justice to what this experience was for me and my family. I do think it is a story worth telling, so I will give it my best shot.
Brandon and I decided last spring that we were ready to have another baby. Neither of us have siblings that are close to us in age and we have always wanted that for our own children.
I naively believed that the very first time we "tried", that would be that and we would be on our way to baby number 2. After all, we got pregnant with Noah while on birth control so obviously I assumed that Brandon and I have super baby-making abilities.
Weeeeell... I was mistaken. It did not happen the first month and it didn't happen the six months after that either. By that time, I had turned into a "trying to conceive" monster.
In my true control freak fashion, I was doing a lot of researching, temperature taking, charting, measuring, and stressing. I was not doing a lot of trusting God to bless us when the time was right.
Let me take a minute to say that I know seven months of trying is nothing compared to the struggles of some couples. I do not for one second compare myself to those who suffer from infertility and have gone through hell and back to bring a child into their homes. I have a new found respect for those families and I will never again take for granted the ease we had when we were blessed with Noah. Every precious baby that is born is truly a miracle in my opinion.
In early October to our joy and relief Brandon and I found ourselves staring at a positive pregnancy test. Hallelujah! We were ecstatic! But deep down inside me, for reasons I can't explain, something did not feel right. At the time, I just assumed it was nerves and anxiety that come with pregnancy. I know now that those feelings were preparing my heart for what was coming.
Just a few days later, our dreams came crashing down. We lost that sweet baby before we got to see an ultrasound, or hear a heartbeat, before we could feel a movement, or pick out a name. It happened quickly and was nearly painless physically. It was early, but it was still a painful loss for our family. We had been hoping and dreaming about that baby for months and it was taken away as quickly as it came.
There were many ways that I felt very taken care of by God through that painful time. I was out of town with Noah visiting family the week before we found out and Brandon wasn't with us. We wanted to be together when we found out whether or not we were having a baby so I waited over a week longer than I could have to take the test. That is a whole lot of time in pregnancy world. That time would have made the loss so much more painful, and I am glad that I didn't know earlier.
We were also on vacation with my family when the miscarriage started. It was a blessing in so many ways. Brandon was with me for the whole week since he was off work for vacation. We had family around to support us and to take care of Noah while we grieved. I love and appreciate the way God used these circumstances to comfort me and Brandon while we went through the loss of such a precious thing.
Jump forward one month to the beginning of November. To our surprise, we found out that we were pregnant once again. It came as a shock because there had been no planning, charting, temp taking, etc. Imagine that! The one month that I didn't plan, it happened. Maybe God was trying to tell me something.
I started going to a new doctor just before I found out I was pregnant. I was excited to find out that I could go in early, because I was anxious to know that everything was ok after what had just happened. I went in for an ultrasound at just under 5 weeks.
The doctor couldn't see anything other than the gestational sac on the ultrasound. So she scheduled me for another ultrasound a week later. I wasn't too worried since it was so early, but the doctor seemed somewhat concerned. The next week they told me again that they only saw a gestational sac. This was more concerning, because there should have been some change.
The doctor told us that the pregnancy was "non-viable" and scheduled me for a d&c the next day. She said that I could be having an ectopic pregnancy and that my life was in danger. I tried to ask about other options, but she made me feel like if I waited I would be putting myself at great risk and pressured me into consenting to the d&c. We were devastated once again.
All night long Brandon and I wrestled with what to do. We just didn't feel good about the diagnosis she made. There were several things that didn't add up. I was still so early. They didn't try any other tests to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. The ultrasound tech did not spend very much time looking for the baby. Brandon and I and a lot of people we love prayed hard over our decision.
We decided to get a second opinion. I scheduled an emergency appointment with another doctor the next day and cancelled the d&c. If another doctor told us the same thing, we decided we would do what they said.
At the new doctor, they took us for an ultrasound right away. The ultrasound tech had no idea why we were there, and she just went about her business. The first words out of her mouth were, "Here's your baby, and here is the HEARTBEAT"!!! I don't even know what words to use to describe my feelings. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.
I have never been able to say that I hear the voice of God speaking to me regularly but there have been some key moments in my life that I know were guided by Him. This was definitely one of those times. I am not one to disregard the advice of a medical professional. I have always trusted that they know more than I do. If we had listened to what this doctor said, we would have unknowingly allowed her to abort our healthy child.
I know that Brandon and I were so unsettled about what to do because God has bigger plans for this baby. Whether he/she is with us for one more day or until he/she is 103 years old I praise God for the gift that this child is. I know that our prayers and the prayers of so many others on our behalf were heard. We felt such peace about our decision to get a second opinion, and I know that peace came from God.
I have learned so much through this entire experience that began last spring. I learned once again that I am not in control (nor should I be). I learned that God's timing is better than my own. I learned to trust Him in ways that I haven't before. I learned to let Him comfort me in times of loss. Best of all, I learned to praise Him when I don't get what I want and praise Him when he intercedes for me in big ways.
Every bit of the glory in this situation goes to God. It was not a doctor or my judgment that saved our baby. It was his/her creator.
Brandon and I decided last spring that we were ready to have another baby. Neither of us have siblings that are close to us in age and we have always wanted that for our own children.
I naively believed that the very first time we "tried", that would be that and we would be on our way to baby number 2. After all, we got pregnant with Noah while on birth control so obviously I assumed that Brandon and I have super baby-making abilities.
Weeeeell... I was mistaken. It did not happen the first month and it didn't happen the six months after that either. By that time, I had turned into a "trying to conceive" monster.
In my true control freak fashion, I was doing a lot of researching, temperature taking, charting, measuring, and stressing. I was not doing a lot of trusting God to bless us when the time was right.
Let me take a minute to say that I know seven months of trying is nothing compared to the struggles of some couples. I do not for one second compare myself to those who suffer from infertility and have gone through hell and back to bring a child into their homes. I have a new found respect for those families and I will never again take for granted the ease we had when we were blessed with Noah. Every precious baby that is born is truly a miracle in my opinion.
In early October to our joy and relief Brandon and I found ourselves staring at a positive pregnancy test. Hallelujah! We were ecstatic! But deep down inside me, for reasons I can't explain, something did not feel right. At the time, I just assumed it was nerves and anxiety that come with pregnancy. I know now that those feelings were preparing my heart for what was coming.
Just a few days later, our dreams came crashing down. We lost that sweet baby before we got to see an ultrasound, or hear a heartbeat, before we could feel a movement, or pick out a name. It happened quickly and was nearly painless physically. It was early, but it was still a painful loss for our family. We had been hoping and dreaming about that baby for months and it was taken away as quickly as it came.
There were many ways that I felt very taken care of by God through that painful time. I was out of town with Noah visiting family the week before we found out and Brandon wasn't with us. We wanted to be together when we found out whether or not we were having a baby so I waited over a week longer than I could have to take the test. That is a whole lot of time in pregnancy world. That time would have made the loss so much more painful, and I am glad that I didn't know earlier.
We were also on vacation with my family when the miscarriage started. It was a blessing in so many ways. Brandon was with me for the whole week since he was off work for vacation. We had family around to support us and to take care of Noah while we grieved. I love and appreciate the way God used these circumstances to comfort me and Brandon while we went through the loss of such a precious thing.
Jump forward one month to the beginning of November. To our surprise, we found out that we were pregnant once again. It came as a shock because there had been no planning, charting, temp taking, etc. Imagine that! The one month that I didn't plan, it happened. Maybe God was trying to tell me something.
I started going to a new doctor just before I found out I was pregnant. I was excited to find out that I could go in early, because I was anxious to know that everything was ok after what had just happened. I went in for an ultrasound at just under 5 weeks.
The doctor couldn't see anything other than the gestational sac on the ultrasound. So she scheduled me for another ultrasound a week later. I wasn't too worried since it was so early, but the doctor seemed somewhat concerned. The next week they told me again that they only saw a gestational sac. This was more concerning, because there should have been some change.
The doctor told us that the pregnancy was "non-viable" and scheduled me for a d&c the next day. She said that I could be having an ectopic pregnancy and that my life was in danger. I tried to ask about other options, but she made me feel like if I waited I would be putting myself at great risk and pressured me into consenting to the d&c. We were devastated once again.
All night long Brandon and I wrestled with what to do. We just didn't feel good about the diagnosis she made. There were several things that didn't add up. I was still so early. They didn't try any other tests to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. The ultrasound tech did not spend very much time looking for the baby. Brandon and I and a lot of people we love prayed hard over our decision.
We decided to get a second opinion. I scheduled an emergency appointment with another doctor the next day and cancelled the d&c. If another doctor told us the same thing, we decided we would do what they said.
At the new doctor, they took us for an ultrasound right away. The ultrasound tech had no idea why we were there, and she just went about her business. The first words out of her mouth were, "Here's your baby, and here is the HEARTBEAT"!!! I don't even know what words to use to describe my feelings. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.
I have never been able to say that I hear the voice of God speaking to me regularly but there have been some key moments in my life that I know were guided by Him. This was definitely one of those times. I am not one to disregard the advice of a medical professional. I have always trusted that they know more than I do. If we had listened to what this doctor said, we would have unknowingly allowed her to abort our healthy child.
I know that Brandon and I were so unsettled about what to do because God has bigger plans for this baby. Whether he/she is with us for one more day or until he/she is 103 years old I praise God for the gift that this child is. I know that our prayers and the prayers of so many others on our behalf were heard. We felt such peace about our decision to get a second opinion, and I know that peace came from God.
I have learned so much through this entire experience that began last spring. I learned once again that I am not in control (nor should I be). I learned that God's timing is better than my own. I learned to trust Him in ways that I haven't before. I learned to let Him comfort me in times of loss. Best of all, I learned to praise Him when I don't get what I want and praise Him when he intercedes for me in big ways.
Every bit of the glory in this situation goes to God. It was not a doctor or my judgment that saved our baby. It was his/her creator.
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