Last week the Christian Community Development Association had its annual national conference in Memphis. Since I have a 2 year old and a 3 month old, I was only able to make it to 2 of the night time sessions, but it was a blessing none the less.
Being there among so many who are passionate about social justice issues and urban ministry was a much needed reminder of the things that set my heart on fire. It also made me nostalgic for my time in Chicago with Mission Year.
That year was one of the most difficult and life-changing times of my life. During mission year and for a long time after, I did not have much interest in talking about what I experienced because it was a lot to unpack and took a long time to process.
Mission Year is a year-long immersion program for 18-30 year olds. It is a time to learn how to live out justice by knowing and loving neighbors and advocating for change in our countries most un-loved neighborhoods.
A young and very naive 19 year old Jessica had no idea what she was getting herself into.
I would not have admitted it at the time, but I had a "savior mentality" going into Mission Year. I was confident that I would make a big impact on the problems of the inner city during my time in Chicago. HA!!!
Not only is that a very arrogant and just all around wrong world view, but also that type of mindset set me up for a lot of growing pains right out of the gate.
The neighborhood of Englewood, the city of chicago, and the world that we live in already has a savior and it is not me. I am ashamed to think that I ever believed that I could "help" or "save" anyone in that beautiful community.
Instead, I got to witness the work that God had been doing through some really amazing people in Chicago. I learned a lot about myself and more importantly, God used that time to humble me.
I had the pleasure of living on the south side of Chicago in the Englewood Neighborhood. If you Google Englewood, you will not read anything good. But what I experienced was a community of good, strong people who care about each other and take pride in where they live. People who, despite living in a food desert and in a thick fog of poverty in every sense of the word, were some of the happiest and generous people I have ever known. Their voices were and are struggling to be heard and to receive the equal level of support and care as Chicago's wealthier neighborhoods.
I lived in a 3 bedroom apartment with 5 of the most beautiful souls I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. We were 6 women who could not have been more diverse. We had 6 very different personalities with different backgrounds, races, and opinions. It was a messy time, especially at first, as we learned to navigate our differences, but to this day I cherish those ladies more than they will ever know. They helped mold me and I will be eternally grateful for the impact they had on my life and world view.
I spent that year learning about people's stories. I saw the kind of struggles and heartache that my privileged young mind never even knew existed. I got the wind knocked out of me on a daily basis. It did not take long to realize that I was there to learn and not to save.
I left Chicago with a lot of humility but also a lot of cynicism. I felt so overwhelmed by the pain and cycles of oppression in this world and I didn't really understand what my role in all of it is. Honestly, I still don't.
6 years, a husband, and 2 kids later I find myself trying to balance the call and demands of my daily life (I had to come back to writing this post 4 times because... kids) with the passions and burdens that God engraved on my heart in Chicago.
I went into Mission Year thinking I was going to solve the worlds problems and I came out of it feeling very discouraged and powerless. I've learned over time that powerless is the best place to be. God has all of the power anyway and all throughout time his best work has been done through the powerless.
So now I'm just trying to figure out where He wants me to be. There is a never-ending supply of places to volunteer and service projects to be a part of. That work is important and serves as a constant reminder that God has not forgotten the broken places and people around us. I just have to surrender to my own powerlessness and let Him work.
