5 Embarrassing Baby Stories

In case I haven't already said it, Being a mom is AWESOME! It's fun and rewarding in so many ways. Watching that tiny little lump that I brought home from the hospital turn into a real person with a personality and so much awe and wonder is one of the coolest things that I have ever been a part of. Luckily, I get to be the mom of the most adorable little boy who has ever lived (not biased at all).

Noah has grown so much in the last month. I blinked and my tiny little baby became a gigantic looking toddler. He is starting to look more like a kid and less like a baby. Just take a look at that transformation!

As we get closer and closer to the day that I cannot talk about without bursting into tears (the first birthday). I have been thinking about what life with a toddler is going to be like. I can't wait for him to really start talking. I am anxiously awaiting the many hilarious and cute things are going to come out of his mouth.

Inevitably he will sometimes say some embarrassing things. As the saying goes, "kids say the darndest things". I have heard many horror stories about my friends being in public with their kids, so full of curiosity and wonder, when out of their mouth comes a super loud question about the size of someone standing within earshot... Yikes! I can't wait to share those stories with you when the time comes.

Let's not forget, however, that though they may be tiny, infants can create some pretty awkward situations, too. I have compiled a list of my favorite embarrassing baby situations to date.

1. The baby did it.

Our very first time at church with Noah was Easter Sunday last year. He was about 2 weeks old and we were so excited to show off our brand new baby. During a very quiet prayer Noah let out the longest, loudest, (wettest) fart you have ever heard. I mean it sounded like it came from a grown man and definitely not from the tiny little thing that we were holding. We just smiled and with very red faces hopefully assumed that everyone knew it was the baby. Of course this situation has happened several times since then, and eventually I guess you become so tired that you just don't care (or even actually know) who farted. But there's nothing quite like that first time.

2. I'm sorry my son is grabbing your boob.

A few months ago, Noah and I were at Target, and we ran into a friend of mine. She asked if she could hold him, and while we were chatting, Noah's hand was nonchalantly resting on her chest. She was obviously uncomfortable with my son copping a feel, so she gently moved his hand to a different position. Problem solved, right? Wrong! He moved his hand right back where it was, and this dance continued to go on until she finally just handed him back to me. There will come a day when Brandon and I will have to have a talk with our boy about this issue, but unfortunately he does not quite get it yet.

3. I swear he is VERY sick!

The first time Noah got sick, I did some things that I'm not proud of. Just to give you the highlights: I screamed (more than once in one night) at an overnight call nurse from our pediatrician's office. I stripped Noah and put him in the bath at 3:00 in the morning. And I loaded all of us into the car fully intending to drive to the emergency room until Brandon very calmly talked me into just driving around the block a few times until Noah fell asleep. I was absolutely sure that something horrible was wrong with him. The next morning I was impatiently waiting at the pediatricians office for the walk-in clinic to open. When the doctor came in, I proceeded to tell him all of the terrifying symptoms Noah was having. He just smiled and listened. Meanwhile, Noah was sitting on the table cracking up at his reflection in the mirror and looking as healthy as can be. He was diagnosed with a simple cold and we were sent on our way. In hindsight, I can see that I may have overreacted a little bit.

4. Performance anxiety

Like all newborns, the only "tricks" that Noah could do for the first few months of his life were crying, pooping, and sleeping. Not very exciting. But then that first smile happened and I think I called everyone I knew to tell them about it. It is so exciting to watch him learn how to do something for the first time. And even though no one on earth cares as much as you do that your child learned how reach and grab for his toys, you feel the need to shout it from the rooftop. As obnoxious as it may be, I have on several occasions tried to show off Noah's newest accomplishments, and he rarely if ever performs them when put on the spot. Leaving me looking like an idiot who is trying to pretend like my kid really does know how to point to his mouth.

5. Stranger Danger

When Noah was around 5 months old, he developed a nasty case of separation anxiety. He would scream bloody murder anytime someone other than Brandon or I held him. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without my child having a complete melt-down. It made for some uncomfortable situations when people asked to hold him. I tried to explain to him that it is somewhat offensive to yell in someone's face, but for whatever reason he didn't listen. I was constantly trying to reassure people that it was just a phase and had nothing to do with whoever the poor person was that was just trying to hold my baby. Luckily. he did grow out of it and is now a much friendlier little guy. If you were offended during those days, we do apologize.

We still have a lot of things to teach our son, but how to create an awkward situation is not one of them. But some of the best baby stories come from the times that make you turn bright red from embarrassment.

And as our kids get older, the stories are likely to get even more awkward. So let's get through these less-than-graceful times together. I would love to hear your embarrassing baby stories.

Love Your Husband More Than Your Children

I have a confession to make... 

I love my husband more than my child.

I can remember as a little girl asking my mom who she loved more between me and Chris. "It's a different kind of love," she would always reply. But the constant affection that they shared, the look in her eyes when he would walk into the room, and the many "kid free" getaways that they went on told me otherwise. I knew in my heart that she loved him more than me, and I am so glad that she did.

I don't think that loving your spouse more than your children is the most popular belief going around in the parenting world today. We live in a culture where kids come first.  The mainstream idea is to give your child(ren) everything you can, and if there is anything left over, your spouse can have that.

I am a little afraid of a world where all of these children, who have had the universe revolving around them their entire lives, become the adults. 

Women especially struggle with this. Without even realizing it they end up getting all of their emotional satisfaction and physical connection from their children instead of their spouse. It's a huge problem!

I'm not being judgmental. I get it. It's a struggle. Women are designed to feel a strong connection to their babies. We are supposed to shower them with love and affection but not to the extent that our marriages becomes an afterthought. 

Especially in the first few months of Noah's life, we had to adjust. A lot of our attention was diverted to him and we fought  a lot more because we only got about 6 hours of sleep within the span of 1 month. Also, I looked like this almost all of the time.

YIKES!

Fortunately, we are now out of the haze of the first few months of parenthood (you should also know that I now shower on an almost daily basis).

I know that one of the greatest gifts I could ever give my son is to provide a healthy family for him to grow up in. The foundation of a healthy family is a healthy marriage.

My mom, in all of her wisdom, was absolutely right. The love I have for Noah is different.  I would die for him. I will do most anything to make him happy and I love him in such a big way that it literally brings me to tears on an almost daily basis. 

But my I am IN love with Brandon. My love for him is fiery, passionate, and sexual. It gets me through the most difficult of days. I long for him. I would fall to pieces without him, and he feels the same way about me. We work hard every day to keep this kind of love in our marriage.

I know it's difficult in the day to day grind to make sure that priorities stay where they should. We need realistic tools for keeping marriage number one. I am still learning but this is what I have come up with so far.

1. Keep the kids out of bed.

I'm not talking about the debate between co-sleeping and crib sleeping. I know that, in the first few months of parenthood, having that baby in the bed most or all of the time is a survival skill. I'm not judging. You do what you have to do. I am talking about kicking that kid out after you have survived the newborn stage. They don't belong in your bed. They need their own space and you need yours. Bow chick a wow wow! ...If you catch my drift.

2. Don't stop dating.

Life gets crazy when kids enter the picture. All of that time that you used to spend just hanging out with your spouse suddenly disappears. You have to make a conscious effort to spend time together that does not revolve around your child. Do the fun things that you did before junior came along. Don't let parenting become your entire identity. Those needy kids won't be around forever. You need to be able to function and enjoy your life when they are gone.

3. Have grown-up conversations.

I will admit that a lot of what I talk about is Noah. It's because I spend every minute of every day with him. It is not uncommon for my side of a conversation with Brandon to be about how many times Noah pooped that day or whether or not he ate his carrots at lunch time. As fascinating as all of that is, it is important for us to talk about non-feces related subjects too. I try to make sure we make time to discuss things that have nothing to do with Noah or his bowels. Keep listening to your spouse and find things to talk about that don't revolve around your children.

4. Show a little PDA.

This was my view from the back seat of every car ride growing up  This was my first exposure to what marriage was. My parents have never been shy about the fact that they are physically attracted to each other and it taught me to be an affectionate person. The physical connection between a husband and wife is a really big deal. There are plenty of ways you can teach your children this important lesson without being too graphic.

5. Have plenty of grace.

Nobody is perfect. You will both do a poor job of putting each other first sometimes. Life gets crazy and there is only so much of yourself you can give. Having grace with each other will go a long way. Remember where your priorities should be and strive to get them back on track when they slide from time to time. 

The love that Brandon and I share is what made our family. It is what will remain when Noah leaves and starts a family of his own.

I will protect my marriage with every part of my being so that I will have a partner, a lover, and a friend when our nest is empty instead of a stranger who also happens to be my roommate. I will be an example for my son so that when it comes time for him to start his family he will know what kind of standard to hold his marriage to. We will give him a foundation of two people who choose each other every single day. I will teach him to love his wife more than his children. 

The Fox and Three Creeps in a Tub

Let me introduce you to a little friend of mine called, "The Fox". This crazy song that has turned into a YouTube sensation has magical soothing powers over my son. He absolutely loves it! We have played it repeatedly on roadtrips, at 2 a.m. during sleepless nights, and anytime we need a little comic relief. 

Noah loves all music. He will stop whatever he is doing and dance his little heart out whether it is to Bon Jovi or the theme song to Law and Order. However, no song that has touched his little ears has been able to hold a candle to this little diddy.

To be perfectly honest I can't stand the song. It's weird. And yet I cannot tell you how many times I have thanked God that it exists. When you are in a desperate moment with a screaming baby who will not be soothed you will do almost anything to calm him down and in our house it turns out that anything is this ridiculous song.

If you have some how missed the phenomena. Here it is. (be prepared to seriously question my parenting skills)

While we are on the subject of slightly disturbing media for children I would like to talk about something I came across the other night while reading Noah his bedtime story. I pulled out the Children's Nursery Rhyme book that he got for Christmas, you know the classics. Jack and Jill, Mary had a Little Lamb etc. Then I came across this little gem.

I know that this is a beloved children's nursery rhyme and I have probably heard it a million times but reading it with my tiny son in my lap gave me a new perspective. 

What in the world?!? What are these men doing in a tub? "Turn 'em out, knaves all three"??? I had to look up what the word knave means (noun: a dishonest or unscrupulous man). So now we have three unscrupulous men all hanging out in a tub together. Not really the kind of situation I want to be exposing my infant son to.

After that I continued to look through the book to see if any of the other stories were strange, and it turns out several of them are scary to say the least.

Rock-a-bye-baby ends with a baby falling out of a tree. Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater couldn't hold on to his woman. And don't even get me started on Little Jack Horner.

I want to know what the author of these stories were thinking and why have we been reading them to children for decades? I'm really not sure. But if I ever walk in on a butcher, a baker, and a candlestick maker sharing a bath together (knaves or not), I'm going to be running the other way.

Small Actions Big Impacts

The beginning of a new year is a reflect-y kind of time. This new year, I have spent a lot of time thinking about the people who have impacted my life. It's so interesting to me how many people over the years end up having a hand in making you who you become.

Some are obviously impactful, like family members. Others are less obvious, and you may not even realize how much they touched you until years later when they aren't even in your life anymore.

One day, while I was living in Chicago during my time with Mission Year, I was hanging out at Panera. This was my usual hangout on Mondays (my only day of the week to spend to myself). This freezing cold Chicago day I remember sitting there, watching enviously as person after person came in and purchased coffee, hot chocolate, hot tea, etc. I just happened to be out of my personal allowance money for the month, and I was on the phone with a friend back home whining about my lack of hot beverage. I guess someone around me heard because when I got off the phone a sweet lady bought me a cup of coffee. It was a small act of kindness but it was a HUGE deal to me. I was so grateful and so touched. I don't even know that nice lady's name but she taught me to be aware of the struggles of those around me and help out when I can.

Some people have impacted me for the good. They have taught me important lessons and helped me grow in really big ways. Some people have left a few scars. These people are usually unintentional in their actions, but the damage is done just the same.

Having a child makes you spend a lot of time thinking about that child's future. I think about who he will grow up to be. What kind of personality will he have? What things will he be interested in? What great things will he do? It's incredibly terrifying to think about my role in who he will become. I am partly responsible for making sure that he doesn't turn into a horrible person... it gets a little overwhelming when I really start to think about it.

The funny thing is, I should care about my impact on everyone I come across as much as I care about my impact on Noah. I should be intentional about my interactions and the effect that words and actions have on people.

I am going to strive to live more intentionally this year. I want to use my words intentionally. I want to use my actions intentionally. I want to love people intentionally and not just the people that share my DNA. Every person that comes into my path.

Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.
-Mother Teresa

In what ways big or small have you been impacted by someone? In what way are you going to impact others in 2014?  

Motherhood or Waste Management?

I did not realize before becoming a parent that it is one of the most beautiful, rewarding, and disgusting jobs you could ever have. In the short 9 months that Noah has been alive I have seen some things. I will not disturb you with all of the daily nastiness that is parenthood but I will give you a few of the more impressive highlights.

A Crappy Trip to Target

A few weeks ago I went on a routine trip to target with my freshly bathed baby in tow. When we walked in the doors I smelled something less than pleasant and realized that it was coming from my child. We quickly headed back to the bathroom to take care of the smelly situation.

Like any responsible and prepared mom, I had my diaper bag with me.  Of course I am always prepared for just such an occasion so I keep my bag stocked with all of the necessities: diapers, plenty of wipes, and that handy dandy extra outfit... except for today.

I opened up this monstrosity of a diaper, and let's just say it was not contained to just the diaper. I go to pull out the 12.4 million wipes that will be needed to clean up the catastrophe and there is ONE lone wipe in the box. One wipe would not even put a dent in this job.

So, there I was, trying to keep one hand on Noah so that he would not fall off of the changing table and reaching as far as I possibly could to the paper towels trying to get enough of them wet to get my son at least somewhat clean. Meanwhile he is screaming at the top of his lungs and more than one Target customer and employee have come in and stared at me as if they were minutes away from calling Children's Protective Services.

At the end of it all we proudly walked out of target. I was wearing random spots of poop on my shirt and Noah was wearing only a diaper and his jacket. Nothing was purchased.

Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Vomit

Christmas day was spent as usual this year. We traveled all over Memphis visiting our family members and sharing food presents, and germs. My poor little family has been passing around a cold for about a week and since there is no canceling Christmas, we carried on with the festivities. Unfortunately, it was all a little too much for Noah.

When we finally arrived home at the end of the day we got Noah ready for bed. All of the lights were turned off except for the glow of the Christmas lights and we were peacefully sitting together as a family reflecting on a great Christmas day.

This beautiful family moment came to a sudden halt when our son defied the laws of gravity by projectile vomiting all over everyone in the room. As first time parents, neither Brandon nor I had ever seen anything quite like this before and we were pretty impressed that such a great volume of fluid could come out of such a tiny person.

After spending a substantial amount of time cleaning up everything that was in the line of fire we got Noah safely off to sleep. I suppose he just wanted to make sure that his first Christmas was a memorable one. And Brandon and I were able to put another notch on the parental experiences belt.

Anyway, I say all of this, not to gross anyone out, but because this is my life now. I see poop and other bodily fluids on a daily basis and I'm ok with it. Being a mom means being a lot of other things, too: a caretaker, a nurse, a disciplinarian, a cuddler.

And, unfortunately, sometimes it means being a toilet.

The Superman List

Well I have only been married for 1.75 years now so I do not have an abundance of experience and wisdom to share with the world as far as marital advice. What I do have are SUPER man-picking powers. I would like to share with you a little bit about this man that has for some reason taken on the task of putting up with me for the rest of his life. Take notes single ladies. This is what you want in a husband.

When I was 15 years old I made a list of all of the things that I wanted in my future husband. My 15 year old self would swoon if she only knew the kind of man that I ended up with. If you are not married yet, I would encourage you to make a list and start praying for that man. I could write an obnoxiously long list of all of the wonderful things about Brandon Nicholas Davis but I will do my best to keep it to my most favorites.

1. He loves the Lord.

Brandon did not grow up in a Christian home like I did. He came to know God all by himself when he was a teenager. His story amazes me. You should ask him about it sometime. It takes a tremendous amount of strength and faith to develop a relationship with the Lord without the support and accountability of family.  He has such a pure and genuine faith. He asks questions, and does not put up with insincere answers. He seeks a relationship with God that is real and he leads our family to do the same.

2. He is slow to anger.  

I will admit that I am not a very patient person. I can get a little heated from time to time. My husband however, is the most even-tempered person you will ever meet. I tend to get loud when I feel passionate about something. Brandon likes to quietly discuss things in a rational way. It's kind of ridiculous. Even though I get very frustrated with his calm and collected ways in the middle of a fight it is also one of the things I love the most about him. It takes a great deal of maturity and control to be both loving and calm when you are angry and my husband has somehow mastered this skill.


3. He is warm and affectionate.

My most favorite place to be in the whole world is wrapped up in Brandon's arms. He gives very warm and healing hugs. He comforts me without even saying a word. Physical touch is definitely one of my love languages so it was important to find an affectionate man. He also has a very warm and comforting personality. He always cares about the things that bother me, no matter how big or small they may be. He knows how to love me the way that I need to be loved.

4. He is a family man.

I have always known that I wanted to have a big family. I knew that I had to find a husband that would be a good father. I knew Brandon would be a great dad when we were dating, but he has far exceeded all of my expectations. The way he loves our son is beautiful. I melt into a puddle every time I see them snuggled up together taking a nap. I could go on and on but I think this video says it all.

5. He is a wonderful communicator.

I think that, stereotypically, the girl is usually the better communicator in the relationship, but that is not the case in my marriage. Brandon is a talker. He is a very gifted storyteller. He has always had a knack for knowing what I'm thinking and helping me talk through my feelings. I cherish this gift. I have learned more about myself since I have known Brandon than ever before. He doesn't let me draw up into myself. He is so easy to talk to and there is nothing on earth that I wouldn't tell him. 

6. He is hilarious.

We have so much fun together! Life is hard and it throws some pretty serious situations at you sometimes. It's good if you have a partner to help you not take yourself too seriously, especially in tough times. We are silly. We make ridiculous inside jokes and tell them to each other ALL the time!  Sometimes all you can do is laugh, and it helps if you have someone who is hilarious to make you laugh.


7. He is respectable. 

Ok, ladies. There is something you need to know. All men, no matter who they are, need respect. It is engrained in them. They crave it. One of the greatest gifts you could ever give the men in your life is respect. I have no trouble respecting my husband. He is worthy of my respect in so many ways. I respect his leadership in our family. I respect his work ethic and the way that he provides for us. I respect his gentleness and sincerity. I could go on and on. Respect your man. Find a man who is worthy of your respect and show it to him. 

I know that I have just gushed out a lot of very lovey dovey things. I say all of this to say that I have married the perfect man... just kidding.

I know that he is not perfect. No one is. He can be frustrating, we get on each other's nerves, and we can argue with the best of them. However--

He is perfect for me. And those things that I listed as a 15 year old make the rough times not so bad, and the good times even better. Figure out what you need in a partner and do not settle for anything less. Marriage is hard, so share it with someone who you will fight for even at the hardest of times. Share it with someone who at the end of your life you can look back and say, "I was better with him/her than I ever would have been without."

Here are some photos of the previously mentioned sillyness.

Our Little Fresh Prince

"Now, this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became the"


...Mom of a kid called Noah. 

If you did not stop reading while I was being a nerd, I will tell the story of how our little unplanned bundle of joy came to be. Brandon and I got married in March. And, like any wise couple, we had already discussed when we wanted to start our family. We thought that between 3 and 5 years would be a good amount of time. In that time we would get on our feet financially, probably purchase a home, travel, and do other kid-free things.

God had other plans for us. In July of 2012 I peed on a stick and to my surprise that stick said "Hey! You are going to be someone's mom in 9 months." And all of a sudden life got real. Money? Who needs money? Home ownership? Overrated! And hey! We had 9 long months to get all of those kid-free activities out of our system. I don't have an actual picture of what Brandon's face looked like when I shared the news with him but here is a recreation of it.

We were unsure about a lot of things during my pregnancy. Brandon did not have a full-time job yet. We did not know where we were going to live when the baby got here. How were we going to pay for things? How do you raise a human-being to become an at least half way decent person? AAAAAAHHHHHH! Scary stuff. 

What we were sure of was that God is bigger than all of our uncertainty. I'm not saying that we always did a good job of trusting in him during those scary days but when it came down to it we both believed that God had a plan and that he would take care of us. We also are blessed with an amazing support system. We have a lot of family who all love us very much. 

Even though we had our doubts at times God answered every single one of our prayers. Brandon got hired at an advertising agency full time 2 months before Noah was born. We found a house to rent that we love 1 month before Noah was born. And as far as knowing how to raise a human being, unfortunately he did not come out with the instruction manual that we prayed for, but we are learning as we go. Besides how could someone as cute as this be that hard to handle anyway? (She naively said on her first day of motherhood).

That tiny little bundle has been the biggest blessing in our life. I am so glad that I get to spend 3 to 5 more years with him than I had originally planned. Now, 9 months later, we are starting to somewhat get our life back under control after the explosion of having a new baby but every day when I look at this little creation that God threw into our lives I am reminded that there is no way that Brandon and I can handle this task on our own. He is God's. We are only here for God to use to guide his path. He is my constant reminder that I am not in control and I don't need to be. God's plan is always better than my own. I mean look at this awesomeness!