I love my husband more than my child.
Women especially struggle with this. Without even realizing it they end up getting all of their emotional satisfaction and physical connection from their children instead of their spouse. It's a huge problem!
1. Keep the kids out of bed.
I'm not talking about the debate between co-sleeping and crib sleeping. I know that, in the first few months of parenthood, having that baby in the bed most or all of the time is a survival skill. I'm not judging. You do what you have to do. I am talking about kicking that kid out after you have survived the newborn stage. They don't belong in your bed. They need their own space and you need yours. Bow chick a wow wow! ...If you catch my drift.
2. Don't stop dating.
4. Show a little PDA.
This was my view from the back seat of every car ride growing up This was my first exposure to what marriage was. My parents have never been shy about the fact that they are physically attracted to each other and it taught me to be an affectionate person. The physical connection between a husband and wife is a really big deal. There are plenty of ways you can teach your children this important lesson without being too graphic.
5. Have plenty of grace.
Nobody is perfect. You will both do a poor job of putting each other first sometimes. Life gets crazy and there is only so much of yourself you can give. Having grace with each other will go a long way. Remember where your priorities should be and strive to get them back on track when they slide from time to time.
I can remember as a little girl asking my mom who she loved more between me and Chris. "It's a different kind of love," she would always reply. But the constant affection that they shared, the look in her eyes when he would walk into the room, and the many "kid free" getaways that they went on told me otherwise. I knew in my heart that she loved him more than me, and I am so glad that she did.
I don't think that loving your spouse more than your children is the most popular belief going around in the parenting world today. We live in a culture where kids come first. The mainstream idea is to give your child(ren) everything you can, and if there is anything left over, your spouse can have that.
I am a little afraid of a world where all of these children, who have had the universe revolving around them their entire lives, become the adults.
I am a little afraid of a world where all of these children, who have had the universe revolving around them their entire lives, become the adults.
Women especially struggle with this. Without even realizing it they end up getting all of their emotional satisfaction and physical connection from their children instead of their spouse. It's a huge problem!
I'm not being judgmental. I get it. It's a struggle. Women are designed to feel a strong connection to their babies. We are supposed to shower them with love and affection but not to the extent that our marriages becomes an afterthought.
Especially in the first few months of Noah's life, we had to adjust. A lot of our attention was diverted to him and we fought a lot more because we only got about 6 hours of sleep within the span of 1 month. Also, I looked like this almost all of the time.
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| YIKES! |
Fortunately, we are now out of the haze of the first few months of parenthood (you should also know that I now shower on an almost daily basis).
I know that one of the greatest gifts I could ever give my son is to provide a healthy family for him to grow up in. The foundation of a healthy family is a healthy marriage.
I know that one of the greatest gifts I could ever give my son is to provide a healthy family for him to grow up in. The foundation of a healthy family is a healthy marriage.
My mom, in all of her wisdom, was absolutely right. The love I have for Noah is different. I would die for him. I will do most anything to make him happy and I love him in such a big way that it literally brings me to tears on an almost daily basis.
But my I am IN love with Brandon. My love for him is fiery, passionate, and sexual. It gets me through the most difficult of days. I long for him. I would fall to pieces without him, and he feels the same way about me. We work hard every day to keep this kind of love in our marriage.
I know it's difficult in the day to day grind to make sure that priorities stay where they should. We need realistic tools for keeping marriage number one. I am still learning but this is what I have come up with so far.
1. Keep the kids out of bed.I'm not talking about the debate between co-sleeping and crib sleeping. I know that, in the first few months of parenthood, having that baby in the bed most or all of the time is a survival skill. I'm not judging. You do what you have to do. I am talking about kicking that kid out after you have survived the newborn stage. They don't belong in your bed. They need their own space and you need yours. Bow chick a wow wow! ...If you catch my drift.
2. Don't stop dating.
Life gets crazy when kids enter the picture. All of that time that you used to spend just hanging out with your spouse suddenly disappears. You have to make a conscious effort to spend time together that does not revolve around your child. Do the fun things that you did before junior came along. Don't let parenting become your entire identity. Those needy kids won't be around forever. You need to be able to function and enjoy your life when they are gone.
3. Have grown-up conversations.
I will admit that a lot of what I talk about is Noah. It's because I spend every minute of every day with him. It is not uncommon for my side of a conversation with Brandon to be about how many times Noah pooped that day or whether or not he ate his carrots at lunch time. As fascinating as all of that is, it is important for us to talk about non-feces related subjects too. I try to make sure we make time to discuss things that have nothing to do with Noah or his bowels. Keep listening to your spouse and find things to talk about that don't revolve around your children.
I will admit that a lot of what I talk about is Noah. It's because I spend every minute of every day with him. It is not uncommon for my side of a conversation with Brandon to be about how many times Noah pooped that day or whether or not he ate his carrots at lunch time. As fascinating as all of that is, it is important for us to talk about non-feces related subjects too. I try to make sure we make time to discuss things that have nothing to do with Noah or his bowels. Keep listening to your spouse and find things to talk about that don't revolve around your children.
4. Show a little PDA.
This was my view from the back seat of every car ride growing up This was my first exposure to what marriage was. My parents have never been shy about the fact that they are physically attracted to each other and it taught me to be an affectionate person. The physical connection between a husband and wife is a really big deal. There are plenty of ways you can teach your children this important lesson without being too graphic.5. Have plenty of grace.
Nobody is perfect. You will both do a poor job of putting each other first sometimes. Life gets crazy and there is only so much of yourself you can give. Having grace with each other will go a long way. Remember where your priorities should be and strive to get them back on track when they slide from time to time.
The love that Brandon and I share is what made our family. It is what will remain when Noah leaves and starts a family of his own.
I will protect my marriage with every part of my being so that I will have a partner, a lover, and a friend when our nest is empty instead of a stranger who also happens to be my roommate. I will be an example for my son so that when it comes time for him to start his family he will know what kind of standard to hold his marriage to. We will give him a foundation of two people who choose each other every single day. I will teach him to love his wife more than his children.
I will protect my marriage with every part of my being so that I will have a partner, a lover, and a friend when our nest is empty instead of a stranger who also happens to be my roommate. I will be an example for my son so that when it comes time for him to start his family he will know what kind of standard to hold his marriage to. We will give him a foundation of two people who choose each other every single day. I will teach him to love his wife more than his children.
I am really enjoying your blog. I have been married to your Paw Paw for 29 yrs. He still opens doors for me, we sit on the same side in a booth at restaurants and we still hold hands. Your doing a great job! Love you Mi Mi Wires
ReplyDeleteSorry, but none of that rings true for me. You do realize that people have been sleeping with kids in their bed since the dawn of human history, right? It's a pretty recent thing not to have kids in the same room with you at night, and many cultures around the world still practice this... and have very stable marriages. Same with "dating", this is a totally modern concept that didn't get started until sometime in the last century. Before that, only the wealthy and elite could afford to go out to eat or to parties or other "date-like" events. But mostly what bothered me was the whole "put your spouse first" idea. My parents did this, my dad let me know in no uncertain terms that his wife always came first. It made me feel unwanted, unloved and insecure. I desperately wanted someone to want me "first." You don't have to be the center of the universe, but everyone should be the center of someone's universe. I have always made it a point to let my kids know that they are all "FIRST" to me. If they ever need me, I will always be there WITH their dad to meet their needs. Me and DH are one, I don't need to make my kids feel "less" just to make him feel important. You may want to look at what marriages have looked like throughout history to get a more balanced view of how to make them work. You don't NEED to "date", you can maintain a very healthy relationship with kids in your bed (that's not the only place to DTD, you know!) and you don't have to set up an artificial hierarchy to keep your relationship going after the kids leave. Seven kids and twenty five years of marriage speaking here. You can do all these things with kids underfoot, people have been doing it for thousands of years. :-)
ReplyDeleteI certainly don't think you should love your husband and neglect your children.
ReplyDeleteI grew up with two sets of parents who were both an example of this for me and I never felt unloved or unwanted. I felt more secure knowing that my parents had such a healthy marriage.
I believe that what is best for my children is for them to see a strong healthy relationship between their mom and dad. I think it is really easy once kids come along to focus all of our attention on them at the expense of the relationship with our spouses.
I realize that what works for one family does not always work for another. Everyone comes from different backgrounds with different baggage. I was putting out there what I believe to be true and some practical ways my husband and I choose to keep our marriage a priority. You don't have to spend money to date. And yes, there are plenty of places besides the bed to have sex. I wasn't trying to start a co-sleeping debate.
I know that "putting your spouse first" is a scary phrase to hear, because it's easy to jump to the conclusion that to do that, you have to degrade your children or make them feel less loved. But I think there's room to prioritize the one person you chose to spend the rest of your life with and still make your children feel loved, valued, and appreciated.
With respect, if you weren't trying to start a co-sleeping debate, why make your first finger wag about co-sleeping? Indeed, why finger wag, at all? (Pro tip: If you have to say, "I'm not judging," you probably are. If you have to say, "I get it," you probably don't.) Don't get me wrong. I find you adorable. Married a year or two, with a new baby? Adorable! Already has the answer to a "forever" marriage and healthy, happy children? Adorable!
ReplyDeleteAs an older mother and wife, my advice to new mothers is neither "Put your husband first" or "Put your kids first." I advise you to put YOURSELF first. There is no guarantee that you will spend the rest of your life with your husband. Even if your marriage lasts till death, there is still death. As a woman, you are likely to outlive your man. But one person you are certain to spend the rest of your life with is YOU. Put yourself first (without being unwholesomely selfish, and without degrading your children OR your husband), and you will ALL be happy.
Thanks to everyone who has read/commented. Whether you agree with my opinions or not I really appreciate the feedback and the opportunity to discuss the things I feel passionate about.
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