A Letter to Noah

  

Noah B,

Happy first birthday sweet boy! There is so much that I want to tell you about my love for you and how much you are valued. This first year of your life has been incredible! You are so loved by so many wonderful people but let me take a moment to tell you about my love for you.

The day you were born was one of the best days of my life! It was so exciting to wake up that morning knowing we were going to meet you that day. The hospital waiting room was completely taken over by our family and friends that came to wait for you. We were totally overwhelmed by the huge number of loved ones that came to show us love and support. We knew right then that you were a special guy to be so loved by so many! 16 hours of labor and 1 c-section later and there you were.

That first night in the hospital was surreal. Everyone told me that I should send you to the nursery so I could get some rest, but I didn't listen. I had only just met you and I could not let you go. Shortly after all of the visitors left, your dad went to sleep and I just laid there staring at you. You were perfect. It was a crazy night filled with tears, (probably more mine than yours) learning how to nurse, and no sleep at all. That quiet, dimly lit, hospital room was where I began falling in love with you.

I love the way you look. You are such a wonderful mixture of all of the best traits of our family. You have the most beautiful little face. Your beautiful blue eyes have the power to melt my heart. I love your sweet pouty lips and even that gigantic head of yours :) 

I love the way you laugh. Your giggles brighten my day and your cries break my heart!

I love your laid back personality. I love how you just go with the flow.

I love your curiosity and the way you are always quietly trying to figure things out.

I think its hilarious the way you get nervous when there are a lot of people around but after you warm up to everyone you want to be the center of attention. 

I love it when you bring me your toys and books to play with you.

I love singing to you.

I love watching your face light up when your dad comes home from work. 

I love seeing that big smile on your face when I come into your room every morning to get you out of bed.

I love watching you get so excited when you see a dog.

I love that you love music and stop what you are doing to dance every time you hear any song. 

I love watching you sit in your bed talking to yourself after you wake up from a nap. 

I love your sweet gentle heart heart. I love the way you see the world.

I love everything about you. Even when you are challenging you are still my second favorite person in the whole world. 

God blessed me beyond my wildest dreams when he made me your mommy. You make the world a better place just by being here. God has given you so many wonderful gifts and traits. I am so proud of who you are already and I can't wait to see who you become! You are here for a reason. You have a special purpose. I can't wait to see what God has in store for you.

My prayer for you is that you become a man of God. I pray that you develop a personal and intimate relationship with Jesus. I pray that you will be kind, loving, strong, and gentle like your dad. I hope that you will be a leader. That you will be humble. That you will admit when you are wrong and learn from your mistakes. I pray that you will stand for truth, seek justice, and act as a peacemaker wherever you go. I pray for you to know your purpose and stay close to God's plan for your life.

You will never know or understand the love that I have for you! There is nothing you could ever possibly do that could make me love you any less. Thank you for bringing us so much joy, laughter, tears, and happiness.

Love,
Your Mama

A Year of Motherhood

Well, It's official! I am now the mother of a great big 1 year old. The tiny, squirmy, bundle that we brought home from the hospital has turned into a toddling, talking, little person with a great big personality and the sweetest smile I have ever seen.

How is this possible? I still don't even feel like a real grown-up yet and now I have a little person that calls me Mama. My heart nearly explodes every time that word comes out of his mouth.

Being that little boy's mama is one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. It's humbling, and messy, and beautiful, and exciting, and so many more things. I know my role as a mother will look different as he gets older but for now I have compiled a list of what it means to be a mother of a one year old.

It means...

1. Getting great big (mouth wide open) slobbery kisses
2. Finding Cheerios in your hair, purse, car... and my favorite crushed in 1 million pieces right after you step on them.
3. Reading the same book 500 times a day 
4. Wiping snot with your bare hands
5. Listening to the most annoying children's CD in the car on every fussy ride
6. Applauding every time he performs and amazing trick (i.e. announcing how old he is)
7. Hiding remotes and phones to avoid the ridiculous tantrum that ensues if he is denied them
8. Watching the same episode of Baby Einstein for the 909807783278978th time
9. Family dance parties (we all have some pretty sweet moves)
10. Having to say things like "Noah, please do not eat my hair."
11. Cleaning up mashed vegetables off of my face after he spits them at me
12. Enjoying every second that he sits still in my lap 

I could go on and on. This year of motherhood was made up of so many little moments. Precious, silly, disgusting, fun, exhausting moments. 

A lot of people told me in the first few months of Noah's life to "enjoy every minute of it". At the time "enjoying every minute" of projectile poop, all-night crying fests, and breast-feeding horrors was laughable to me. Honestly I would probably feel the same way if I were doing it all over again right now but looking back it went by a lot faster than I thought it was going to.

The lesson that I feel like God is trying to teach me right now is that our lives are made up of these little moments. The good and the bad. I am learning to appreciate all of it. 

Whether I enjoyed it or not I am thankful for every minute that God has allowed me to spend with that little boy and I don't want to take any of them for granted.

Will I ever tell a new mom to "enjoy every minute of it"? Definitely not but I will say that it only takes a year to learn that you have be intentional about appreciating those minutes because before you know it they are over. 

Losing Control

I find it hard to openly talk about the struggles that I have not yet conquered. However, I think those are the struggles I should be talking most openly about. And since I claimed to be real about my faith in this blog, let's get real.

Before I was married, I did a lot of things that many people considered reckless. I spent several weekends alone in Nashville's Tent City, I lived a year of my life in one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in Chicago, and I frequently gave rides to those who stand on sidewalks holding signs. I'm sure even years later beads of sweat are welling up on my parent's foreheads as they read this (Haha! You are welcome guys!).

I say all of this, not to brag about my past endeavors, but to portray how I completely released control of my life into God's hands. During that time I was called naive, thoughtless, and even stupid. Say what you must, but I am proud of that girl. I struggle every day to hold on to even just a piece of her.

Something happened to me when I fell in love. For the first time in my life, I knew what it was like to worry about the life of someone else. This fear progressed as time went on and I have to admit that at certain points it has gotten out of control.

I built walls and decorated them with false perceptions of my control over the well being of my loved ones. The walls served me well until one day when a truck came crashing into them.

One September day Brandon and I (14 weeks pregnant) picked my brothers up from school. On the way back we took a detour to show them a house we were thinking about buying and we had a "little collision" with a truck. And by "little collision", I mean this happened.

At first glance everyone seemed shaken up but generally ok. Then I looked down and saw every pregnant woman's worst fear. I was bleeding.

Within a few short minutes I went from chatting it up with my husband and brothers to riding in the back of an ambulance trying to hold myself together at the prospect of losing the life of the tiny baby that I had already fallen in love with.

The next several hours were some of the longest of my entire life. Doctors and nurses came in and out asking 5 billion questions and throwing around words like "probable miscarriage". People that I love also came in and out to sit with me. No one really knew what to say but I felt loved.

After the longest wait in history we were finally taken to get an ultrasound to find out for sure what I had already come to terms with in my mind.

By the grace of God and to my surprise what I saw on that screen was a perfect little wiggly baby with a very strong heart beat. I have no words for the feelings that washed over me as I stared at that miracle.

God took care of my sweet family and we all went home that night with minor scrapes and bruises. Thankful does not even begin to describe how i felt and still feel. I think about that wreck on an almost daily basis. I look at my beautiful little boy and I thank God that we are graced with his (still wiggly) presence.

I was not prepared for the rush of overwhelming feelings that came when my sense of security and control was ripped away. I am currently still struggling with these feelings. We were all fine that day. But at any minute of any day, we might not be. I worry about this to an unhealthy extent.

What I should be doing is trusting God with my family. I know what the Bible says about fear, worry, and trusting God but knowing it and feeling it are two different things. For good or bad I really do believe that God's plans are better than my own. The problem is that I might not like what he has planned. My conversations with him often go something like this:

Dear God,
Please keep Brandon and Noah safe (in whatever the situation may be).
Of course your will be done.
But really... please just keep them safe.

I can't explain why there is so much hurt in the world. I have watched friends lose loved ones to disease, accidents, and unspeakable tragedies. I have prayed alongside friends and family begging God to act in the way that we want him to. Sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes his plan is not at all what we want. That is where my fears lie.

I want God's plan to go my way. I want to be happily married to my husband until we are 99 years old and at that point we will both die together at the same time in our sleep while holding hands. I want to raise my son and watch him grow into a man and experience all that life has to offer. That may be exactly what God has planned for my family, but as hard as it is for me to even think about, it may not. Either way, it is completely and 100% out of my control.

Even though I now realize my lack of control, I still fight for it daily. I make Brandon text me as soon as he has arrived safely at work in the morning. I vacuum my floors a ridiculous amount of times a week to try to keep Noah from finding things to put in his mouth. I could go on and on.

It's a struggle. Some days are better than others. It helps to share my thoughts and fears with God. I am inspired by stories in the bible like Hannah who gave up her son completely to God.

I think that my goal in reality is to be somewhere in between that girl that I wrote about in the beginning and the one I am now. I have a family now and that changes my ability to be "reckless" with my life but it should not change my ability to give my family to God. To trust him to take care of us and to trust him even if it doesn't go my way.

Maybe you read this and thought to yourself "man that girl is nuts" and you may be right. But if you read this and can relate to my struggle please know that you are not alone. I would love to hear from you. I would love to hear from those who have a better handle on this than I do. Let's be open with each other about the things that are most difficult to talk about. God never meant for us to struggle alone.

5 Embarrassing Baby Stories

In case I haven't already said it, Being a mom is AWESOME! It's fun and rewarding in so many ways. Watching that tiny little lump that I brought home from the hospital turn into a real person with a personality and so much awe and wonder is one of the coolest things that I have ever been a part of. Luckily, I get to be the mom of the most adorable little boy who has ever lived (not biased at all).

Noah has grown so much in the last month. I blinked and my tiny little baby became a gigantic looking toddler. He is starting to look more like a kid and less like a baby. Just take a look at that transformation!

As we get closer and closer to the day that I cannot talk about without bursting into tears (the first birthday). I have been thinking about what life with a toddler is going to be like. I can't wait for him to really start talking. I am anxiously awaiting the many hilarious and cute things are going to come out of his mouth.

Inevitably he will sometimes say some embarrassing things. As the saying goes, "kids say the darndest things". I have heard many horror stories about my friends being in public with their kids, so full of curiosity and wonder, when out of their mouth comes a super loud question about the size of someone standing within earshot... Yikes! I can't wait to share those stories with you when the time comes.

Let's not forget, however, that though they may be tiny, infants can create some pretty awkward situations, too. I have compiled a list of my favorite embarrassing baby situations to date.

1. The baby did it.

Our very first time at church with Noah was Easter Sunday last year. He was about 2 weeks old and we were so excited to show off our brand new baby. During a very quiet prayer Noah let out the longest, loudest, (wettest) fart you have ever heard. I mean it sounded like it came from a grown man and definitely not from the tiny little thing that we were holding. We just smiled and with very red faces hopefully assumed that everyone knew it was the baby. Of course this situation has happened several times since then, and eventually I guess you become so tired that you just don't care (or even actually know) who farted. But there's nothing quite like that first time.

2. I'm sorry my son is grabbing your boob.

A few months ago, Noah and I were at Target, and we ran into a friend of mine. She asked if she could hold him, and while we were chatting, Noah's hand was nonchalantly resting on her chest. She was obviously uncomfortable with my son copping a feel, so she gently moved his hand to a different position. Problem solved, right? Wrong! He moved his hand right back where it was, and this dance continued to go on until she finally just handed him back to me. There will come a day when Brandon and I will have to have a talk with our boy about this issue, but unfortunately he does not quite get it yet.

3. I swear he is VERY sick!

The first time Noah got sick, I did some things that I'm not proud of. Just to give you the highlights: I screamed (more than once in one night) at an overnight call nurse from our pediatrician's office. I stripped Noah and put him in the bath at 3:00 in the morning. And I loaded all of us into the car fully intending to drive to the emergency room until Brandon very calmly talked me into just driving around the block a few times until Noah fell asleep. I was absolutely sure that something horrible was wrong with him. The next morning I was impatiently waiting at the pediatricians office for the walk-in clinic to open. When the doctor came in, I proceeded to tell him all of the terrifying symptoms Noah was having. He just smiled and listened. Meanwhile, Noah was sitting on the table cracking up at his reflection in the mirror and looking as healthy as can be. He was diagnosed with a simple cold and we were sent on our way. In hindsight, I can see that I may have overreacted a little bit.

4. Performance anxiety

Like all newborns, the only "tricks" that Noah could do for the first few months of his life were crying, pooping, and sleeping. Not very exciting. But then that first smile happened and I think I called everyone I knew to tell them about it. It is so exciting to watch him learn how to do something for the first time. And even though no one on earth cares as much as you do that your child learned how reach and grab for his toys, you feel the need to shout it from the rooftop. As obnoxious as it may be, I have on several occasions tried to show off Noah's newest accomplishments, and he rarely if ever performs them when put on the spot. Leaving me looking like an idiot who is trying to pretend like my kid really does know how to point to his mouth.

5. Stranger Danger

When Noah was around 5 months old, he developed a nasty case of separation anxiety. He would scream bloody murder anytime someone other than Brandon or I held him. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without my child having a complete melt-down. It made for some uncomfortable situations when people asked to hold him. I tried to explain to him that it is somewhat offensive to yell in someone's face, but for whatever reason he didn't listen. I was constantly trying to reassure people that it was just a phase and had nothing to do with whoever the poor person was that was just trying to hold my baby. Luckily. he did grow out of it and is now a much friendlier little guy. If you were offended during those days, we do apologize.

We still have a lot of things to teach our son, but how to create an awkward situation is not one of them. But some of the best baby stories come from the times that make you turn bright red from embarrassment.

And as our kids get older, the stories are likely to get even more awkward. So let's get through these less-than-graceful times together. I would love to hear your embarrassing baby stories.

Love Your Husband More Than Your Children

I have a confession to make... 

I love my husband more than my child.

I can remember as a little girl asking my mom who she loved more between me and Chris. "It's a different kind of love," she would always reply. But the constant affection that they shared, the look in her eyes when he would walk into the room, and the many "kid free" getaways that they went on told me otherwise. I knew in my heart that she loved him more than me, and I am so glad that she did.

I don't think that loving your spouse more than your children is the most popular belief going around in the parenting world today. We live in a culture where kids come first.  The mainstream idea is to give your child(ren) everything you can, and if there is anything left over, your spouse can have that.

I am a little afraid of a world where all of these children, who have had the universe revolving around them their entire lives, become the adults. 

Women especially struggle with this. Without even realizing it they end up getting all of their emotional satisfaction and physical connection from their children instead of their spouse. It's a huge problem!

I'm not being judgmental. I get it. It's a struggle. Women are designed to feel a strong connection to their babies. We are supposed to shower them with love and affection but not to the extent that our marriages becomes an afterthought. 

Especially in the first few months of Noah's life, we had to adjust. A lot of our attention was diverted to him and we fought  a lot more because we only got about 6 hours of sleep within the span of 1 month. Also, I looked like this almost all of the time.

YIKES!

Fortunately, we are now out of the haze of the first few months of parenthood (you should also know that I now shower on an almost daily basis).

I know that one of the greatest gifts I could ever give my son is to provide a healthy family for him to grow up in. The foundation of a healthy family is a healthy marriage.

My mom, in all of her wisdom, was absolutely right. The love I have for Noah is different.  I would die for him. I will do most anything to make him happy and I love him in such a big way that it literally brings me to tears on an almost daily basis. 

But my I am IN love with Brandon. My love for him is fiery, passionate, and sexual. It gets me through the most difficult of days. I long for him. I would fall to pieces without him, and he feels the same way about me. We work hard every day to keep this kind of love in our marriage.

I know it's difficult in the day to day grind to make sure that priorities stay where they should. We need realistic tools for keeping marriage number one. I am still learning but this is what I have come up with so far.

1. Keep the kids out of bed.

I'm not talking about the debate between co-sleeping and crib sleeping. I know that, in the first few months of parenthood, having that baby in the bed most or all of the time is a survival skill. I'm not judging. You do what you have to do. I am talking about kicking that kid out after you have survived the newborn stage. They don't belong in your bed. They need their own space and you need yours. Bow chick a wow wow! ...If you catch my drift.

2. Don't stop dating.

Life gets crazy when kids enter the picture. All of that time that you used to spend just hanging out with your spouse suddenly disappears. You have to make a conscious effort to spend time together that does not revolve around your child. Do the fun things that you did before junior came along. Don't let parenting become your entire identity. Those needy kids won't be around forever. You need to be able to function and enjoy your life when they are gone.

3. Have grown-up conversations.

I will admit that a lot of what I talk about is Noah. It's because I spend every minute of every day with him. It is not uncommon for my side of a conversation with Brandon to be about how many times Noah pooped that day or whether or not he ate his carrots at lunch time. As fascinating as all of that is, it is important for us to talk about non-feces related subjects too. I try to make sure we make time to discuss things that have nothing to do with Noah or his bowels. Keep listening to your spouse and find things to talk about that don't revolve around your children.

4. Show a little PDA.

This was my view from the back seat of every car ride growing up  This was my first exposure to what marriage was. My parents have never been shy about the fact that they are physically attracted to each other and it taught me to be an affectionate person. The physical connection between a husband and wife is a really big deal. There are plenty of ways you can teach your children this important lesson without being too graphic.

5. Have plenty of grace.

Nobody is perfect. You will both do a poor job of putting each other first sometimes. Life gets crazy and there is only so much of yourself you can give. Having grace with each other will go a long way. Remember where your priorities should be and strive to get them back on track when they slide from time to time. 

The love that Brandon and I share is what made our family. It is what will remain when Noah leaves and starts a family of his own.

I will protect my marriage with every part of my being so that I will have a partner, a lover, and a friend when our nest is empty instead of a stranger who also happens to be my roommate. I will be an example for my son so that when it comes time for him to start his family he will know what kind of standard to hold his marriage to. We will give him a foundation of two people who choose each other every single day. I will teach him to love his wife more than his children. 

The Fox and Three Creeps in a Tub

Let me introduce you to a little friend of mine called, "The Fox". This crazy song that has turned into a YouTube sensation has magical soothing powers over my son. He absolutely loves it! We have played it repeatedly on roadtrips, at 2 a.m. during sleepless nights, and anytime we need a little comic relief. 

Noah loves all music. He will stop whatever he is doing and dance his little heart out whether it is to Bon Jovi or the theme song to Law and Order. However, no song that has touched his little ears has been able to hold a candle to this little diddy.

To be perfectly honest I can't stand the song. It's weird. And yet I cannot tell you how many times I have thanked God that it exists. When you are in a desperate moment with a screaming baby who will not be soothed you will do almost anything to calm him down and in our house it turns out that anything is this ridiculous song.

If you have some how missed the phenomena. Here it is. (be prepared to seriously question my parenting skills)

While we are on the subject of slightly disturbing media for children I would like to talk about something I came across the other night while reading Noah his bedtime story. I pulled out the Children's Nursery Rhyme book that he got for Christmas, you know the classics. Jack and Jill, Mary had a Little Lamb etc. Then I came across this little gem.

I know that this is a beloved children's nursery rhyme and I have probably heard it a million times but reading it with my tiny son in my lap gave me a new perspective. 

What in the world?!? What are these men doing in a tub? "Turn 'em out, knaves all three"??? I had to look up what the word knave means (noun: a dishonest or unscrupulous man). So now we have three unscrupulous men all hanging out in a tub together. Not really the kind of situation I want to be exposing my infant son to.

After that I continued to look through the book to see if any of the other stories were strange, and it turns out several of them are scary to say the least.

Rock-a-bye-baby ends with a baby falling out of a tree. Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater couldn't hold on to his woman. And don't even get me started on Little Jack Horner.

I want to know what the author of these stories were thinking and why have we been reading them to children for decades? I'm really not sure. But if I ever walk in on a butcher, a baker, and a candlestick maker sharing a bath together (knaves or not), I'm going to be running the other way.

Small Actions Big Impacts

The beginning of a new year is a reflect-y kind of time. This new year, I have spent a lot of time thinking about the people who have impacted my life. It's so interesting to me how many people over the years end up having a hand in making you who you become.

Some are obviously impactful, like family members. Others are less obvious, and you may not even realize how much they touched you until years later when they aren't even in your life anymore.

One day, while I was living in Chicago during my time with Mission Year, I was hanging out at Panera. This was my usual hangout on Mondays (my only day of the week to spend to myself). This freezing cold Chicago day I remember sitting there, watching enviously as person after person came in and purchased coffee, hot chocolate, hot tea, etc. I just happened to be out of my personal allowance money for the month, and I was on the phone with a friend back home whining about my lack of hot beverage. I guess someone around me heard because when I got off the phone a sweet lady bought me a cup of coffee. It was a small act of kindness but it was a HUGE deal to me. I was so grateful and so touched. I don't even know that nice lady's name but she taught me to be aware of the struggles of those around me and help out when I can.

Some people have impacted me for the good. They have taught me important lessons and helped me grow in really big ways. Some people have left a few scars. These people are usually unintentional in their actions, but the damage is done just the same.

Having a child makes you spend a lot of time thinking about that child's future. I think about who he will grow up to be. What kind of personality will he have? What things will he be interested in? What great things will he do? It's incredibly terrifying to think about my role in who he will become. I am partly responsible for making sure that he doesn't turn into a horrible person... it gets a little overwhelming when I really start to think about it.

The funny thing is, I should care about my impact on everyone I come across as much as I care about my impact on Noah. I should be intentional about my interactions and the effect that words and actions have on people.

I am going to strive to live more intentionally this year. I want to use my words intentionally. I want to use my actions intentionally. I want to love people intentionally and not just the people that share my DNA. Every person that comes into my path.

Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.
-Mother Teresa

In what ways big or small have you been impacted by someone? In what way are you going to impact others in 2014?